The Friendship Formula by Caroline Millington

Author:Caroline Millington [Millington, Caroline]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781788545419
Publisher: Head of Zeus

Before you cut a friend out

Before you make the decision to remove a toxic friend from your life, check in and make sure there’s not something bigger going on which is causing them to act out in this way. Surely they weren’t like this when you became friends? (If they were and you’ve just realized it, please feel free to step away now.)

People’s behaviour often changes in times of crisis. If they have suddenly started distancing themselves, it could be because of something they are going through rather than something you have done. You are allowed to be hurt but also have to accept we can’t control other people and that their actions are not a reflection of your worth.

Open up a dialogue and tell them you are there for them if they are going through something difficult. If they dismiss it out of hand, you have done the right thing by offering support and can walk away without feeling bad about it.

If there is no cause and you tolerate their bad behaviour, you are enabling them. The longer you don’t speak up, the more you are signalling that you accept the way in which you are being treated, and the longer it will continue. They might not even be aware that their treatment of you is rude.

The few friendships I have had turn toxic have often been due to their behaviour after drinking alcohol. When you call people out on this, you’re often regarded as a bore, uptight, a killjoy, etc. Ultimately, however, if someone’s attitude and the way they act upsets you, causes anxiety or ruins your time together, you are entitled to ask them not to drink so much. If they refuse, spend less time with them. You are not responsible for another adult, and if your time together is spoilt by alcohol there is a problem – and it’s not yours.

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